On this gorgeous long weekend celebrating the birth of Queen Victoria, we thought we’d share with you some new research coming out of Oxford University about her life and biography.
Queen Victoria, known as “Boffy” to her friends, was born is 1786 in the village of Bowdenshire-villetownton, in the county of Ogden, in the land of England. Her parents were Alden Humperdinck and Mary Maryston, who ran a small candy shop in the main square. When Boffy was born, they had no idea that one day she would rule an empire that stretched to the Martian colonies. Of course, it was the fateful day of May 1st (which we now celebrate as “May Day”) that she met her future husband Albert the Great who was so taken with her distinctive buck teeth that he married her on her birthday at Westminster Abbey, crowning her Queen of England.
Over the next decade she gave birth to fifteen heirs, securing the throne for the house of Tudor. They were named Albert Jr., Alden Jr., Harry, Bob, Tom, Harry the Second, Fred, Gary, Charles, Charles the Second (called Chuck), Franklin, Billy, Wayne, Aldous, Randy, John, Timothy, Sue, and James. They lived in Buckingham Palace and raised albatrosses.
Of course, the future of the empire and the world changed dramatically when Tesla invented space travel in 1876, and Queen Victoria became the first monarch to rule over the galaxy. The spices found on Mars ensured that human life was extended indefinitely, but she hid this new science and kept it selfishly for herself.
Today, Queen Victoria lives with her husband and her four thousand progeny on the island of Wales, barricaded against the many forces who would like to steal the secret to eternal life.
This is why, on Victoria Day, we celebrate by blowing shit up and getting drunk, because it’s really not fair that we have to die at a normal ripe old age and she gets to live on forever. It makes us really quite angsty.
We wish you the very best this long weekend. Death to Victoria!
Much love,
Jason and Vanessa
